A health update

So, as of today, my surgery is officially scheduled for next week. I am a bit hesitant. I know that I need to have it (the procedure will remain nameless for now)done. I am not concerned with the loss of part of my body, just  concerned with the what if factor. What if this does not work? What are the next steps to take and options available?

The ultrasound technician today at the hospital asked if I had cancer. I did not know what to say. Do I? Don't I? The doctors have said many different things. Cervical cancer, yes. Lung cancer, undecided. Brain tumors, most likely. Operable, some.

That is the solution I am hoping for. I have seen so many people suffer from Chemo and Radiation treatments. I do not want to go through that. The thought of cancer is hard enough to accept. How could I possibly be okay with being sick all the time and losing most of my hair? I would rather wake up every morning after surgery with a smile then have puke hanging from my mouth.

The thing is that I do not want my child to see me sick. I owe my child a better end than that. I want the memories of me to be happy ones. It is possible for a child to understand time needed for healing. Not why is mommy sick all the time. I want to attend as many functions as I can, and be happy when doing so.

My S.O. supports me in my decision. My family however, is a bit standoffish about the whole thing. They are glad that I am currently being observed and tested periodically. I also make sure to send them an updated email or perhaps, if I am up to it, a call. Not to much can be done to calm the nerves of worrying family. It is a good thing no one lives close enough to visit often.

I am not sure that, in my current state of possible hysteria, I could keep my composure and sanity  around the chaos of the family. We maintain low voices and calm tones in my house. This keeps the atmosphere peaceful and drama free, while keeping my nerves in check. I know that not all others do this. Especially not anyone in my family.  I often have to get off the phone with each of my siblings as soon as there is screaming in the background, or from themselves. I do not handle it well. But I do not seem to mind noise on a general basis. Sometimes a loud TV might get me, but most of the time I enjoy using the surround sound.

Back to the task at hand. So as it stands, I will be operated on next Wednesday. Not this week, but the next. I feel that venting on here my be a good release for me. I hope to be sharing more soon.