A health update

So, as of today, my surgery is officially scheduled for next week. I am a bit hesitant. I know that I need to have it (the procedure will remain nameless for now)done. I am not concerned with the loss of part of my body, just  concerned with the what if factor. What if this does not work? What are the next steps to take and options available?

The ultrasound technician today at the hospital asked if I had cancer. I did not know what to say. Do I? Don't I? The doctors have said many different things. Cervical cancer, yes. Lung cancer, undecided. Brain tumors, most likely. Operable, some.

That is the solution I am hoping for. I have seen so many people suffer from Chemo and Radiation treatments. I do not want to go through that. The thought of cancer is hard enough to accept. How could I possibly be okay with being sick all the time and losing most of my hair? I would rather wake up every morning after surgery with a smile then have puke hanging from my mouth.

The thing is that I do not want my child to see me sick. I owe my child a better end than that. I want the memories of me to be happy ones. It is possible for a child to understand time needed for healing. Not why is mommy sick all the time. I want to attend as many functions as I can, and be happy when doing so.

My S.O. supports me in my decision. My family however, is a bit standoffish about the whole thing. They are glad that I am currently being observed and tested periodically. I also make sure to send them an updated email or perhaps, if I am up to it, a call. Not to much can be done to calm the nerves of worrying family. It is a good thing no one lives close enough to visit often.

I am not sure that, in my current state of possible hysteria, I could keep my composure and sanity  around the chaos of the family. We maintain low voices and calm tones in my house. This keeps the atmosphere peaceful and drama free, while keeping my nerves in check. I know that not all others do this. Especially not anyone in my family.  I often have to get off the phone with each of my siblings as soon as there is screaming in the background, or from themselves. I do not handle it well. But I do not seem to mind noise on a general basis. Sometimes a loud TV might get me, but most of the time I enjoy using the surround sound.

Back to the task at hand. So as it stands, I will be operated on next Wednesday. Not this week, but the next. I feel that venting on here my be a good release for me. I hope to be sharing more soon. 

A little history of me

Okay. So here it goes. Let me tell you somethings to bring you up to date, so to speak. I am 29. I have been in a normal, monotonous relationship for over two years. My significant other (S.O.) has been a tremendous blessing in my life. When I met my S.O. I was working full time as a office manager during the day and a bar manager at night. My child was staying with my sister, over summer vacation to hang out with cousins. I was working 90 plus hours a week. I could not have imagined taking a break.

I needed to work, I had house payments to make. Bills did not stop coming. As soon as I had one paid in full, another was about to be shut off. I did not have the luxury of cable or internet service. I got online at work, which I probably should not have done; though, it never interfered. I had little time for extras. I missed my child horribly, but having my child at my sister's house saved me a ton of money.

Anyways, so I started seeing my S.O. Things were going okay, we were mostly just hanging out like friends. My S.O. is younger so it was kind of like I was a teacher. That made things fun and exciting and interesting. My S.O. and I decided to take a giant leap early on in our relationship and move 1000 miles away from all of  my friends and family, to some god forsaken corn town in the midwest.

After just a short deliberation, I went to my sister's, got my child and started packing. My S.O. and I were soon celebrating our four month (I know, not long) anniversary, far away from everything that I had known and loved. It has been an amazing and wonderful experience. I plan to discuss this further, as time goes on.

So as is my luck, I got health insurance (for the first time in over ten years), and found out that I had a lot of things wrong. I was diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder, alongside a severe anixety disorder. Pair that with needing shoulder and knee surgery, almost immediately. Now consider CTScans. Oh my. They told me I had spots and fogged areas just about everywhere. Lungs, Head, Face, and any area with scar tissue. Tumors, cysts, and the such overwhelmed my body.

My doctors say that I got coverage just in time. If I hadn't gotten looked at, who knows what would have happened. I have been told I have cervical cancer, as well as lung cancer. I may possibly have brain cancer, because I have some scar tissue there that is showing up. I have denied treatment. As I know that there is no cure (except probably in the rain forest getting chopped down by some greedy land owner). I will allow the removal of any area of concern. I do not wish to get sick and all those other things that come with Chemo and radiation. I want my child to remember me with a smile on my face; Not my hair falling out.

As I continue my struggle, I will write. I want to keep a record of everything that I am going through. I think my thoughts and emotions associated with this situation are important enough to make note of. I will share my concerns, dreams, problems, and reality with all who will read about it. I owe this to my family to show them just how crucial they have been.